Internet Personalities #7

Welcome to Internet Personalities, a nice little series I like to run from time to time. What exactly is Internet Personalities, you ask? Why, it’s a simple observation of the absolute dredges of the known world, making acute observations of the stereotypes thinking individuals hide (or live) behind their computers. Why do I take upon myself the unbelievably ubiquitous, ugly and unilaterally unknown ulcer of the Internet universe? Mostly because alliteration is the only fun I get to have with this. Forward with numero seven!

The Gurl Gamer

Teehee, I play WoW all the time! Msg me XxxCutieforuxxX

The Gurl Gamer is a legitimate woman. Make no mistake of that, she’s got the girl parts. You’ll find her playing some popular game, such as WoW or Halo. Maybe she’s got Youtube videos of her playing the previously mentioned. The one key feature that separates her from the rest of the female gamers is that she’s not there for the games, she’s there for the attention. The Gurl Gamer enjoys the attention and is willing to take the kicks, jabs, and slobber the onlookers might offer because it’s what she’s looking for. She’s flirty and she might even take it a step further if you persist enough, entering the world of the depraved cybering and the trading of webcam shows. Generally she’s a sex-crazed individual that’s using the popularity of video games as an outlet to her shenanigans.

Pros: Unless you’re equally as sex-crazed as she is, none.

Cons: The Gurl Gamer brings down what little image there is for female gamers at the moment. Because she incites and encourages the behavior that you see a lot of anons portray, she might indirectly drive away normal female gamers from the gaming scene. The Gurl Gamer is even more dangerous in group situations, especially in MMO kins. She will wrap her finger around all the depraved man-children in the kin, and when it comes to booting time to get rid of the crazy, she’ll tug all their strings to try and incite a kin civil war.

Example: “omg i love the new kerrigan art! shes my faverite caracter from Aliens! im going to cosplay in that, msg me for ideas ^_^ mb il even show u my frst atempts ; D”

The White Knight

There are non-existant damsels that need rescuing!

Everyone has met a White Knight in their time. He’s the guy that jumps into a topic where he believes wrong-doing is going on and immediately lays down his +2 Holy Sword of Chivalry to dispel all negative comments about anything subjective against a person, place, or thing. The White Knight is most famous for his timely rescues of women who are in an argument with someone. It doesn’t even matter if the argument is civil and the mention of her gender hasn’t been brought in as a counter-argument—he swoops in on his horse and proclaims that we all must stop criticizing something because we are not privy to opinions, unless they are in agreement with him. All he knows is that someone’s feelings are being hurt, and without reading why or how, he immediately thrusts his sword into the other party. Of course, the downfall is usually that no one actually needs rescuing, and by assuming as much, he simply insults both parties in the process.

Pros: Unless a Disney princess needs rescuing, none.

Cons: Because of the blind fury to follow his code without question or reapproach, the White Knight usually just contributes to the problem of adding another argument to an existing argument. He’ll be quick to call you a racist, sexist, or a bigot if you dare to criticize anything except Protestant white men from America. Gurl Gamers love him because the White Knight is their perfect mark to have as a groupie defender.

Example: “How can you possibly say that about women. Women are fragile beings that deserve our utmost love and protection and anyone who says otherwise is sexist.”

Mr. Late

What do you mean slavery was abolished!? When!?

Mr. Late is the guy that comes, well, late to the party. In the aftermath of a forum debate, or in the comment tree of a three-year-old blog, Mr. Late jumps into the topic like as if the point at hand is still fresh and everyone is still sitting around making a campfire. He’s not to be confused with the Necro, however. Oh no. Mr. Late isn’t looking to bump a three-year-old topic to get an answer to his question. Mr. Late still feels there’s a debate to be had about a dead issues, and by Jove he’s going to scream at the top of his lungs blasting away at someone until they hear him clear across the world. The problem? He’s late. Issues may have been resolved, the warring parties may have already shook hands, and Mr. Late comes in shooting across the bow of someone’s ship. This is how flame wars never die.

Pros: None. Who cares about an argument older than Jesus riding a dinosaur?

Cons: He makes a total ass out of himself, especially if he jumps right in without reading the later-covered facts. What’s the point of repeating yourself to someone who did not RTFT?

Example: “Wow, Activision is such an evil company. They fired the Infinity Ward staff for no reason; Bobby Kotick has no soul.”

The Bandwagoneer

Guys! Guys! Anarchy! lol

Not to be confused with the Enigma, the Bandwagoneer is the product of someone seeing something popular and simply rolling with it without knowing what the hell is going on. He may pretend to be a channer, or maybe even a Halo fan, but he’s only doing so to ride the wave and to appear to fit in, possibly at the end goal of trying to make a couple of friends. Before you know it, however, they’re telling women to get back into the kitchen and they’re wearing afros while holding a sign that says, “Pool’s closed.” The Bandwagoneer doesn’t have an original thought of his own and simply follows what the rest of the scene crowd is doing at that particular moment.

Pros: He’s pretty good at keeping up with memes. Always good for a laugh now and then.

Cons: Don’t expect an intelligent conversation with a Bandwagoneer, especially upon the very subject he’s bandwagoning on. Unlike the Groupie, the Bandwagoneer can’t actually defend himself because he doesn’t know the first thing about what he’s making a mockery of. He just simply exists.

Example: “People shouldn’t be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people.”

The Jock

I play Madden NFL 11, MLB2K9, and NBA2K10; I'm a gamer!

The Jock is the explanation as to why sports games sell the best in the U.S. Unlike a real gamer, the Jock is some floozy with an Xbox 360 with nothing but sports title games and maybe the odd copy of Halo 3 and Gears of War 2 thrown across the room, hidden under the couch. The Jock isn’t an actual gamer, he’s just the embodiment of a sports fan finding an outlet for his hobby further in video games. You can spot him a mile away from his gamertag featuring his likes: running, weights, and benchpressing your mom. In the odd chance he’s playing something other than a sports game, you can hear him over his mic screaming at his enemies, calling them fags and gay. At the end of the day, however, the Jock is simply a sports fan finding an outlet to scream at someone else other than a sports team for a change.

Pros: I dunno, I guess if you want to hear the sports news? Or if you’re brave enough to admit that you like sports and you need a friend with your like interests?

Cons: Anything past sports game and a popular console series is a dead topic to the Jock. He’ll most likely call the topic gay, especially if the topic has nothing to do with sports. He’s basically the crazy hooligan at the stadium you see on tv, but now he’s yelling in your ear thinking you care about what’s going on in the wild, wild world of sports.

Example: “Why the fuck are we talking about Final Fagesy? Dude, let’s talk about Green Bay’s lineup. Where do you think we’re going this year?”

This concludes our seventh writeup. Tune in next time when I bother to update this series for more Internet Personality fail!

Previous writeups: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6

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About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as flagshipped.com. Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at gameriot.com and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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