Internet Personalities #6

Hot mamasita, we find ourselves here, yet again, for the sixth writeup of Internet Personalities. At this point it would be perpetually pointless for me to point out the purpose of this post, even for posterity’s sake, but for the poor people who ponder at my plight, allow me to then put it in a plain proverb: one man’s Internet is another boy’s 4chan. Or something like that. But yes, if you’re still confused, then allow me to iterate for the illiterate; I have taken it upon myself to classify, document, and make known of the common Internet personalities many exhibit on the vast Interwebs. And why, in the name of Zuul, do I take on such a pointless task? Mostly because I’m bored. It’s okay though, because so are you, and thus we shall not tarry any further with this pointless talking and will move on instead to the writeup!

Previous writeups:
#1, #2, #3, #4, #5

  • The Dose

The Dose likes to pride himself as someone who is “in the know” and “has a good beat on things.” He usually comes into a heated discussion laying down a “dose of reality” to what is “really” going on. Because of his nature, the Dose is highly confrontational and constantly will berate other people if they disagree with him. You can spot him a mile away if he’s telling you that “no one likes you here” because he’s personally spoken to the entire community (usually he’s only spoken to about one or two other people) or if he runs into a discussion and calls anyone he disagrees with a tool.

Pros: The Dose can actually be right in some cases, at which point some people do learn something new. Of course the way the Dose informs people of the “correct” information is usually in such a demeaning manner that his cause is usually lost in it. Despite his douchebag tendencies, he’s usually liked by the community because he’s a representation of repressed Freudian Id.

Cons: As said before, the Dose is usually a douchebag, ready to drop a slew of insulting marks after claiming how illogical your statement was. He’s a hypocrite at best, especially when he’s proved wrong, where he will then either attack the source, claiming it’s not “notable” enough, or he’ll just attack the person instead, all at the behest of “logic.” Basically he missed the ad hominem chapter in his Intro to Logic book.

Example: “You are a complete and utter dumb fuck if you believe that. Only tools believe that. Watch this youtube video and be educated you retard, hurp durp.”

  • The Little Brother

The Little Brother seems child-like in posture and posting habits. He laughs too hard at funny things and almost always never gets the idea behind sarcastic jokes or memes. He’s always seen clambering behind the Fonz, trying to make casual conversation with him or expressing what he said was very funny. However, like a little brother, he’s really just annoying in the long run…but he’s making such an honest effort that you feel torn apart from telling him to piss off and rather just have him hang around and ignore him.

Pros: The Little Brother is much like the Foreigner in some respects, except the Foreigner is clearly older and more mature and has thicker skin. If given time, the Little Brother could “grow up” and become a real good community member.

Cons: Of course that rarely happens. Much like the idiot in the posse group when you go out on the town, you don’t want to say anything because you know it’ll just bring drama and ruin the fun, so the Little Brother rarely grows up. Instead he usually comes across the Dose and receives a lashing before eventually raging when everyone else subsequently agrees that no one really likes him. This especially comes into fruition if the community plays many practical jokes on him just at the expense to get a rise out of him.

Example: “hey i dunno why but this guy kept telling me to say ‘dikfore.’ Whats a dikfore?”

  • The Scientist

The Scientist can be found in any common walk of life in a discussion involving science. He’s at the frontlines of a debate on global warming or nuclear fission, linking Wikipedia as his sources and claiming how he’s taking a class on the subject that qualifies him as a “professional.” The truth to the Scientist is that he has as much knowledge on science as Al Gore does on the environment. Instead he’s more interested in trying to support his own viewpoint by Googling things that support his theories and hoping no one bothers to double check his work.

Pros: The Scientist is trying to go in the right direction. He’s bringing up scientific studies on complicated and hotly debated issues. Logic should be dictated on serious issues, especially if there’s a fork in the road on the issue that could change people’s lives.

Cons: Of course, as I said, his intentions are all but noble. He’ll link old reports, reports that test a small control group, or he’ll even link reports from other people that aren’t even qualified to be talking about the subject, thus completing the circle of crap and ending up where you started, which is that no one knows what the hell they are talking about because no one is actually doing the research.

Example: “It is quite apparent that you haven’t read Gestalt’s theory. The mind can only take so much while under that sort of environmental pressure, and that has been proven over and over by professionals in the field. There is no debate on the issue.”

  • The Crywolf

The Crywolf takes his name after the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. He’s usually intelligent, exacting, and very cheeky. In light of what seem like positive qualities, he puts them to use in order to get a rise out of people for the purpose of being noticed within the community. He’ll make things up, claiming that he’s going to kill himself or that his mother died…again. The Crywolf is usually quite messed up in real life, and instead of finding help, he’s found an outlet that will actually entertain his problems.

Pros: Like most things, it’s amusing at first, or perhaps you even fall for it and feel sorry for the Crywolf.

Cons: Of course, the taste of pity feels sour after it becomes clear that the Crywolf does not want help but rather just wants your attention. He can cause a lot of headaches for the community when he goes on a spree of spreading rumors about people and constantly telling everyone how he’s going to kill himself…and this time he really means it (because he didn’t really mean it the last ten times he meant it).

Example: “Well I guess if I’m such a useless shit then I’ll just go ahead and kill myself.”

  • The Rebel

The Rebel is the guy in the community constantly running around in topics proclaiming, “Fuck the RIAA!”, “Legalize it!”, and “Cops suck!”, or usually a combination of all three. He usually even describes himself as a rebel without a cause, mostly because he thinks it sounds cool, and really has no ambitions as far as a purpose in the community goes, other than to speak on minor issues and then blows them out of proportion to support his viewpoint. Expect a 420 at the end of his name and for him to post pictures that put a Hitler mustache on Bush.

Pros: The Rebel is usually quite laid back, making attempts in most of his posting habits to cheer people up and telling people to relax.

Cons: Of course, despite his sometimes peaceful nature, the Rebel happens to still be an idiot. When some news pops up about an issue he feels strongly about, he’ll vent about it to the point of exhaustion, and then be confused and angered if anyone doesn’t agree with how “unfair” being arrested for blatantly breaking the law is or something to that affect.

Example: “Yo man i dont know why u gotta be hatin on da weed man nothing wrong with it. LeGaLiZe iT 420.”

And that’s it for this here sixth writeup! Recognize any Internet idiots? Or worse; maybe you recognize yourself? Share your stories in the comments.

Originally written: July 2009

About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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