Internet Personalities #5

Sons of Zeus, here we are, yet again, for the fifth write up to Internet Personalities. You should know the drill by now, but for those of you still coming late to the party…where the hell have you been? Because here on this write up I take it boldly upon myself to bolster the bumbling buffoons we all bump across on the Internets. But by the Nine! Why in the name of Crom do I take on the pointless profound perception of portraying the perpetually pernicious pissants that plague our playground? Mostly because I’m bored and alliteration is about the only fun I have with this. And on with the fifth writeup we go!

Previous writeups:

  • The Mediator

The Mediator is a person of civil intentions. When a fight breaks out, the Mediator is there to make sure no one gets too personal. He is likely to remain quiet in a large discussion and only pop in to correct someone on their sources or to counter in an attempt to “balance” the argument. The only trouble to this, however, is that the Mediator actually doesn’t have a care in the world about the subject at hand; he just wants to make sure no one is cursing one another out.

Pros: The Mediator is the voice of reason among the yelling of dissent. He makes compromises, speaks upon issues intelligently, but he takes no obvious side (other than one of civility). He’s the poster boy for the position of a site administrator or a forum moderator because he can abide by the rules.

Cons: The Mediator is unlikely to see it “your way,” especially if your opinion on the matter is in any way “uncivil.” You could even be right in the situation, or could have been justified in your response to flame bait, but you’ll take the fall for the fault (“You responded, after all” he’ll usually chime). While regarded as someone without bias, he holds grudges against repeated “offenders” of the community.

Example: “I don’t care if he pseudo-insulted you; it was not right to respond to him with ‘DIAF.’ ”

  • The Enforcer

The Enforcer is someone who secretly wishes he could make a career as a drill sergeant. You’ll be able to spot him from a mile away as he comes into the discussion telling everyone how things are supposed to go or who is breaking the rules. The only trouble is that the Enforcer actually has zero authority and is a regular forum-goer himself. He’s usually known as the “forum police” by those that happen to come across him. However, the real trouble with the Enforcer is that he can get downright nasty in “telling it like it is.”

Pros: None really.

Cons: No one really likes being told what to do, and the Enforcer knows that, and will continue to push the issue (“Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like” you’ll hear him say) until he expects complete submission from you. Another dead giveaway is if he’s made suggestions to new rules or worse—he requests to be a moderator.

Example: “Uh, stop being such an asshole. You’re breaking the rules.”

  • The Foreigner

The Foreigner is someone who joins a special interest group with limited to zero knowledge on the interest in question. It’s almost like as if he walked into the wrong bar and started patting everyone on the back as if he knew everyone. He likes to ask questions; questions about things that would obviously be common knowledge to the special interest group. This can be catastrophic with those who have short patience.

Pros: If you’re into helping people, then you’ll like the Foreigner for obvious reasons. He’ll be interested to hear what you have to say and will take it to heart to learn from it. Essentially he potentially is a regular to the community—he just doesn’t know it yet (mostly because he doesn’t know a damn thing about it).

Cons: The Foreigner can become particularly nasty if you treat him like an idiot. Responding to his questions with things like “Just fucking Google it” or “RTFM” can result in preparation for a debate (“There’s no need to be that way” he’ll respond in kind). All it can take for what would have been a new community member to leave is a couple of douches who have short patience for newcomers.

Example: “How do you copy and paste things into a document?”

  • The Stain

The Stain is, quite possibly, the vilest entity known to man. He is, in a way, the community mascot, but more of the douchebag community mascot. When ever he comments in a thread, it’s usually full of hateful remarks, racist comments, or radically unsupported ideas. The real trouble to the Stain, however, is that he just doesn’t leave because he actually believes the bile that he’s spewing out of his mouth.

Pros: Not a damn one.

Cons: This guy is just bad news. Every time he opens his mouth idiocy just escapes from the maw. And since he’s technically part of the community, he’ll negatively reflect on the community on a whole, especially when he says he’s “speaking on behalf of the community.”

Example: “The Holocaust is a hoax. How did Hitler have the manpower to kill 14 million if his army was spread thin on the Russian front? It’s a conspiracy made up so we can feel sorry for the Jews.”

  • The Groupie

The Groupie is exactly what you’re thinking. He’s the guy that can be found praising a person or a group to the point of religious exhaustion. What ever that person or group does, the Groupie will be right behind them, supporting them no matter what, spreading the word to other people, who most likely don’t care what that person or group is doing, in such a way that you would think that the Groupie was making them out to be gods. Basically he’s the lowest common denominator of a fanboy.

Pros: The Groupie can be good for promotion. As a mindless drone, he will not hesitate to spend his time to spread the word to others about a cause that he feels strongly about. He will make poor attempts to promote his cause by creating promotions in Microsoft Paint. While the attention may gather to laugh at him, it will still plug your cause in the process.

Cons: The Groupie can be down-right vicious when it comes to defending his livelihood that he stands behind. Even if the very thing he loves betrays him in some way, he’ll still defend it to his last, dying breath, proclaiming that his cause would never abandon or cheat him in anyway. Basically he’s the reason why Mario is still alive.

Example: “omg i cant beleve u say that L4D2 is gonna suck. omg its got like fire bullets and stuff!!!!!!!! cmon guys give VALVe a chanse.”


And that’s a wrap for our fifth writeup, folks! Happen to have had the unfortunate experience of crossing the undesirables here? Or perhaps you even recognize yourself in this list? Share your experiences with us in the comments!

Originally written: June 2009

About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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