Internet Personalities #4

Here we are, once again, on the fringe of bad taste and madness with Internet Personalities, the write up where I analyze the Interwebs and the kooky personalities that are commonly used on forums and games alike. In the past three write ups I’ve been looking at gamers for the most part, but now it’s time to look in on the true retches of forum humanity. Though I like to pose the question no one has actually ever asked me, I will still pose it regardless; why do I take on the dubiously degenerate path of analyzing the dummies? Mostly because there’s nothing good on tv. So on with fourth writeup we go!

Previous writeups:
#1
#2
#3

  • The RL Guy

The RL Guy is perhaps a rarity on the Internet. He posts his real name. His profile picture is a candid picture of him (no MySpace “I took this in the mirror with shades” pic). He is probably not all that attractive physically, but he’s a well-spoken individual. Anonymity is a foreign word in his dictionary and acts in a civilized manner and posts with proper grammar. Basically the kind of guy you would meet in RL.

Pros: The RL Guy is someone you know who will be honest and truthful with you. If you ask him to post that one picture with the duck and the clown cars, he’ll be more than happy to oblige. He’s usually a jolly fellow and likes to liven up the forums/game space with personal talk, asking how everyone is doing with their day job or their love lives and then offering sound advice.

Cons: The RL Guy does not like tricks and pranks pulled on him. A Photoshop picture involving gay porn and a goat will most likely set the RL Guy into a Freudian rage. He may appear to be the nice guy in some settings, but veteran RL Guys belonging to vicious communities can go either way; either he goes rogue and becomes the Internet Tough Guy, or he becomes The Fonz. One bad experience with someone using his personal information as the brunt of a bad joke and he may just go Postal on you—in RL.

Example: “Hey Jim, hey Jane. I just got back from the movies with April. We saw Spiderman 2. So how did your day go? Did you do anything exciting? Hey Jim, how’s it with you and Stacy? Hey Jane, did you get that job promotion?”

  • The Techhead

The Techhead is actually a rarity on any forum other than one that has to do with tech. He is not to be confused with the Fauxtechie. Techheads are people who are actually knowledgeable in the field of technology—usually having to deal with computer troubleshoot and shop talk. He actually knows the difference between two video cards—and not just the price. He’ll be able to link you to seven different newegg links to building your own computer. He most likely works IT in RL or has a hobby for computers. However, the real red flag to the Techhead is that he’s comfortable with boasting about his knowledge, usually at the hand to humiliate others with less of a mind in computers (especially with Fauxtechies).

Pros: Handy when you need to know some obscure computer crap. He’ll be there waiting in a corner to correct anyone wrong regarding technology. Not sure if that would be called a pro though; it usually ends up ugly.

Cons: You know that cousin you have who likes to boast at the dinner table how he can throw a curve ball and you can’t? You know how he likes to say it about five billion times? Multiply that by 50 and take it to the power of infinity and you have your Techhead.

Example: “Dude, I can’t believe you bought that mobo for that proc. How fucking stupid can you be? Did someone beat you over the head with a Gateway? And ROFL, you bought it off of tigerdirect! You dumbass, it’s $10 cheaper on newegg! R28gc2xpdCB5b3VyIHdyaXN0cy4=”

  • The Fauxtechie

The Fauxtechie is a common pretender regularly seen in all walks of forums and games. This is the guy boasting about how great his “4GB of RAM is,” or when someone asks why their computer runs slow when running a high end game, he is the one to suggest, “You need more RAM.” In reality, the Fauxtechie knows diddly shit about computers. He’ll step up to the plate and swing, but he’ll miss if anyone with decent computer knowledge is in the thread. When this happens, expect him to be told how wrong he is for the following reasons. When thoroughly refuted, he’ll walk away after a good nerd rage.

Pros: None. If you don’t know about computers, then please save yourself from embarrassment in the future.

Cons: These people are prone to give computer advice to you, most likely leading to more problems or spending money on a computer part that most likely isn’t compatible with your computer to begin with. Even if you don’t want computer advice, he’ll be sure to tell you and everyone else in a game of CS:S how great his video card is over anyone else’s.

Example: “Yes, the 8800GT fits in an AGP slot. It says so right in the manual. I’ve even taken pictures to show you how it’ll fit. I had to destroy the onboard mobo sound output, but it fits afterwards.”

  • The Enigma

The Enigma is the true embodiment of Internet anonymity. He has an obscure username, possibly an avatar of Anonymous, and has no apparent personality. He is likely to post on a forum with a story about how he shat himself at work and wiped himself with his boss’s tie or get into a philosophical debate about 14th century French philosophy (and make factual retorts). He comes and goes as he pleases, and he becomes somewhat the forum’s mascot. The only defining quality to the Enigma is that he enjoys the attention he receives—especially from those that try to “understand” him.

Pros: He’s good for a laugh, like the family dog, but, like the family dog, he’s likely to hump your leg for no odd reason as well. Expect free torrents at one turn and then tubgirl at the next.

Cons:
The Enigma is likely a moonlighting channer—perhaps the worst channer in existence. When he creates threads with titles like, “lol,” or, “my mother died,” it’s usually a trap. Could be .swf spam that will scream out of your speakers or lock your computer up, could be some of the latest shock imagery that your eyes haven’t been exposed to yet, or it could be a combination of both. The Enigma is also an instigator on many walks of the forums. A common response to a serious thread, like someone’s mother dying, would be, “lol.”

Example: “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF”

  • The Fonz

The Fonz is the “cool dude” of the forum or the guy people talk about in passing in video game communities. He’s “That Guy.” He knows perhaps a specific bit of knowledge on a topic that is appealing to the people in question. What’s more, however, is that his delivery to the point is usually sarcastic, sardonic, or cynical, or a combination of all three. He usually has a fan base; could be large, could be small, but out of it can operate a clique. This is the guy who starts clans based on his easy-to-get-along-with personality. However, the Fonz is rather apathetic. He is more concerned with how he looks to others or a good punch line than much of anything else. He usually puts people in their place with a one-liner while everyone else responds by laughing about how the Fonz “owned” that guy.

Pros: The Fonz is easily likable. He’ll make you laugh with some things that you probably haven’t heard before. He’s also like the guy that says, “They’re with me,” and gets you into a club for pretty people. He’s mildly entertaining when he pulls off an insult—if not to see the reaction, but at least to read what he wrote.

Cons: He’s likely to stab you in the back for another Fonz or a group with better skillz and/or connections. He’s also unreliable; he comes and he goes as he pleases. When faced with serious discussion, he passes it off with a joke or a “don’t care” attitude, probably to maintain Fonz status and not have anything personal to be used against him in a good forum roast.

Example: “That retort was lamer than FDR’s legs. Protip: when trying to pretend to be smart, it usually helps if you’ve put a bit of research into the topic beforehand, fuckwit.”

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And there we have it, folks, writeup number four. Well, I hope were you thoroughly entertained with a few forum personalities here, because there are a boatload more to come in future writeups. So, see yourself here? Or maybe see someone else? Share your stories in the comments!

Originally written: June 2009

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About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as flagshipped.com. Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at gameriot.com and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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