Internet Personalities #3

Yessum, here is the third installment of Internet Personalities! I know, I should be taken out back and be shot for this update schedule. Sorry, I moved and the Internet here has been all wacky and what not. Any who, for those of you who still don’t know or have been living in a cardboard box, Internet Personalities is a weekly (cough) featurette I do examining the personalities people exhibit online–whether they be in the forums in a good flame, or in a good game raging it out over the mic and spamming chat. Why, you may ask, do I take on such a daunting and pointless task? Mostly because I’m bored out of my skull. And if you’re reading this then you probably don’t have anything better to do either, so let’s just call it even. On with the third writeup!
Previous writeups:

  • The Sloth

The Sloth is the guy in the game who will be slowing your team down. Frequently. He’ll be the one not ducking under enemy fire, the one throwing a grenade AFTER the fight is over, and the one always lagging behind. When combined with the Rock, this could spell disaster for your team. You could be getting gutted from behind, screaming over the mic for him to turn around, but won’t until after you’re dead.

Pros: If your team is quick, the Sloth may be the perfect diversion you need to run through a game without much resistance as the enemy gathers around to make short work of him.

Cons: Even as a distraction, the loss of a teammate is a blow to your team nonetheless, especially if you cannot collect the supplies he had. The Sloth will be sure to spend his sweet time to getting around to helping you out, usually going in the wrong direction for a completely unrelated issue. He is likely to get your team killed if you happen to have a Rock on the team that is constantly looking over him.

Example: “Whoah, when did you die?”

  • Mr. Wallstreet

Mr. Wallstreet is a busy man. He has a lot of RL distractions going on when he is in the game. The baby is crying, he needs to flip the burgers, or it’s time to change out the wash. Mr. Wallstreet has the uncanny knack to be AFK longer than he is at the keyboard. What’s worse is that he feels there is nothing wrong with this multitasking, despite that he obviously does not have the time to play the game, even in his spare time.

Pros: Mr. Wallstreet is an understanding guy. If you leave him behind when he suddenly goes AFK and comes back to find himself dead, he’ll express how it’s fine, considering it was the risk he was taking.

Cons: Mr. Wallstreet’s understanding personality might mean you are stuck with an AFKer for many rounds in a game, or, at least, until the game ends. He won’t quit the game because of his inactivity, which means you will always be short of one real teammate. He’ll usually be so busy that in some of the most intense moments he will completely walk away from the computer because something else came up.

Example: “Hey guys, I need to go check on the baby. I’ll be AFK for like 15 minutes.”

  • The Jester

The Jester is the funny man. Not to say he’s actually funny, no. The Jester just finds a lot of things within the game funny. A teammate dying in a funny way, a particular noise a character grunts, or shooting an enemy in mid jump; the Jester just finds these things hilarious. You will find him rotfloling in the middle of a heated battle and sarcastically joking about how well they did when your team wipes. He’ll most likely even perform stupid moves in the game just for a laugh, even if it puts your team at risk.

Pros: The Jester can be amusing, depending on the situation or what he does. He’ll also try and make the opposing team laugh, making for a good distraction.

Cons: The Jester will most likely be getting your team killed more than he will be distracting the enemy team. He’ll give away your position by firing off rounds at windows or animals around the land and waste important ammo just for a laugh. It’s nigh impossible to make this guy angry as he finds corpse jumping hilarious and good sport.

Example: “Hey guys, watch me jump off this roof and on this guy. LOL, I MISSED.”

  • The Trash

The Trash is the prominent trash talker in the game. Even without provocation, the Trash will be trashing you and your teammates in chat, trying to take your mind off the game. He’s a corpse jumper and a tea bagger and has annoying character voice communications on bind. The trouble with the Trash is that he usually isn’t that much of a good player, as he is too busy typing out insults and giving away his position with spam laughter to know that he is still playing a game. When killed, he will unleash some of the biggest nerd rage you have ever seen on the Internet, insulting everyone, teammates and opposing. However, he rarely rage quits and continues to stay in the game afterwards, his nerd rage fueling his skills as a Trasher even further.

Pros: The Trash is usually successful in baiting other players to responding to his trash talk, catching the opposing team off guard. He usually plays a strong character with a lot of health, so when the opposing team focuses their fire on him, it usually spells their doom as his team picks the opposing team off.

Cons: The Trash is just as likely to turn on his own teammates and join the enemy team or revealing the specific position of a teammate he strongly dislikes. He’ll call for votes to kick a teammate that badgers him about his attitude—if that fails he’ll just TK said teammate. When raging he’ll even become an even worse player, probably pulling some idiot moves and getting your team killed.

Example: “I raped your mothers last night. At the same time.”

  • The Wolf

The Wolf is a silent being. I don’t mean ninja silent; he’s just a quiet fellow. You’re not quite sure if he’s there or not, due to him having the uncontrollable urge to just disappear at the drop of the hat. You’ll find that the Wolf has actually gone off solo to stay in one spot before a kill comes along—a lone kill, the kill that he wants, and he’ll wait the entire game to get it. Rules and ratios are things the Wolf doesn’t care about; getting that one kill is the most satisfying part of the game for the Wolf. And no matter how loud his teammates yell at him over the mic or the enemy team trash talks him, he will remain quiet, without ever speaking a word. He is often confused with the Raptor—except the Raptor wins games. The Wolf is out to hunt for a single foe. Why? No one ever really knows.

Pros: The Wolf can be a great hidden enemy, considering he’ll stay in one concealed place for the majority of the game. The only trouble is that once he’s discovered his novelty ends; the hunter becomes the hunted.

Cons: Which is exactly why the Wolf is not the best teammate, considering his effort in part of teamwork is only killing people that get in his way to his true target. Usually it gets him killed though and your team suffers from his personal vendetta.

Example: *SilverWolf has killed AstroBoy*
*SilverWolf has killed AstroBoy*
*SilverWolf has killed AstroBoy*
*SilverWolf has killed AstroBoy*


And that concludes this third writeup! I would say stay tuned in for next week’s writeup, but uh…well, you get the idea. I’ll keep you aprised. So, anyone see their selves here? Or maybe a friend? Or maybe a story of one of the said bastards above? Share with us here!

Originally written: May 2009

About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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