Internet Personalities #2

Oh Mylanta, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. Sorry about that, folks, I’ve been a little busy. Okay, I’ve been a lot of busy, but who gives a hanging chad. On with the article I say! In case you have forgotten, in the writeup of Internet Personalities, I take on the adventure of classifying the wild wiles of the willingly weeta’ded Internet idiots that we encounter day in and day out (and may even be the victim of falling under such a category!). Why, you ask, do I do this? Mostly because I’m bored. So live a little and laugh a little, here’s #2!

Previous writeups:

  • The General

The General is a leader. He is constantly giving orders over the mic on what the team should be doing, on enemy positions, and how much health everyone has left. He strategizes and attempts to think about where the enemy may attack. While the General sounds like a good type, he is less than nice in the way he speaks to his team, treating them like subordinates. If things go to hell in a hand basket, the General is likely to nerd rage not on the opposing team, but on his own, publically claiming how much they suck before rage quitting.

Pros: The General is usually a skilled player and knows some good tricks to the game. In some cases, he may even carry your team if the enemy underestimates him. You can probably even learn a few new tricks from him as well.

Cons: The General will be apathetic in his pursuit to teamwork. He will expect you to follow his every command and already know the basics of the game, or, in some cases, some of the game’s secrets or hard-to-pull stunts. He aims to win by any means necessary, which may mean sacrificing his own teammates at times, and he’ll justify it at the end of a game by saying your team still “won.”

Example: “Alright, stay right here while we toss some nades. What the hell are you guys doing, stay right here. I SAID STAY RIGHT HERE, ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF? OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET US KILLED!!!”

  • The Raptor

The Raptor is a highly skilled player, knowing the very innards of the game’s mechanics. He knows the game’s glitches and feels it is fair game to use them; “if it was cheating, then we wouldn’t be able to do it.” He can most likely take down the enemy by himself if well-equipped and with the proper tactics. He’ll usually be the one racking up the most points in the end of the game—and surviving to boast the tale. And boast he will—so much to the point where he’ll even put down his teammates about it.

Pros: You’ll likely be winning the game with this guy. He plays dirty and throws sand into the enemy’s eyes. He knows the tricks to where extra resources are for your characters, but only if you are quick enough to follow him as he cuts a path like a hot knife does through butter.

Cons: If things go south for your team, or, specifically, for the Raptor, he’ll blame your team for it and then simply leave. He may not even say a word before leaving as well; one moment he is there and the next he isn’t. The Raptor will likely even use you as bait, not helping you in a time of need so the enemy can swarm you while the Raptor picks them off one by one in surprise attacks. Points are not the aim of the game for the Raptor; the satisfaction of the kill is. He’ll move from one game to the next as he sees fit.

Example: “Alt + F4 is God Mode.”

  • The Rock

The Rock is a decent player who believes in helping other players in the face of certain death. He’ll take the brunt of the damage while he hands you ammo or heals. He’s okay with it because he feels the team surviving is the most important aspect of the game. You’ll likely find the Rock making a last stand frequently in most rounds, telling his teammates to go without him so he can draw the enemy’s attention. Unlike the Fury, however, the Rock picks a good defensive point and holds off Alamo-style.

Pros: The kind of player every team needs. He can keep the team alive and together when they find themselves in a hard place and will occasionally take one for the team while doing some decent damage in the end of it. If you have two expect them to work in a pair of an unstoppable force.

Cons: None.

Example: “Here, take my weapon. And take my ammo. I will draw their fire and punch them with my fists so you guys can rush to the end.”

  • The Telemarketer

The Telemarketer is a talkative dude. He’s usually the one talking about things that are completely unrelated to the game or what’s going on, trying to sell you on some unrelated notion that you are interested in what he has to say. The degree of the Telemarketer’s skill is usually obscured by the fact that he usually dies because he’s too busy talking, and then proceeds to further point that out as well.

Pros: None. He’s not even amusing.

Cons: This guy will likely get your team killed if you don’t have him on mute. He’s most likely to just slow your team down in the long run as well if he happens to start asking relative questions over the mic and you already have him muted. However, he’ll keep talking, believing you are still listening, not getting angry at all when the team loses or he is killed. He’ll still be talking even after the game is over, asking for personal information so he can join and chat with you in future games.

Example: “Have you seen that new movie? It’s got like that one dude and that one chick, but that one dude can’t even act. I don’t even know why they got him in that role; anyone who has seen him on that tv show knows what I am talking about. Oh, speaking of tv, I think my favorite show is on right now. Anyone like that show?”

  • The Klepto

The Klepto is the guy in the game who takes all the weapons, ammo, and goodies that your teammates might desperately need. He cannot be reproached on what he has already taken; he tells his teammates that they should have been quicker to get said items. Even when a teammate is hurt or is out of ammo, the Klepto ignores them with his extra supplies, saying that giving them to you would be a waste of time and would get the team killed. He waits for his teammates to die just so he can pick up their items off their corpse.

Pros: When the Klepto dies, it’s Christmas morning with all the goodies he will drop for your team. You’ll find that he was able to grab even the hidden items on the level that your teammates had no idea where they were. If you’re hurting on supplies, a justified TK might even be in order.

Cons: When the Klepto is paranoid enough that his teammate might just kill him for the supplies he is carrying, he is likely to wildly spend them like an idiot or jump off a cliff so no one can have them, taking what he had with him to the grave. Of course, the obvious con to the Klepto is that he also takes supplies that your teammates might need and never shares them.

Example: “I need this medkit, I’m at 92% health.”


This concludes the second writeup for the week. Anyone recognize a friend or a recent jackass in an online game? Or maybe you even recognize yourself? Share your story in the comments section and let us know!

Next week: The Sloth, Mr. Wallstreet, The Jester, The Trash, and The Wolf

Originally written: May 2009

About Agamemnon
Started blogging back in 2007 amidst that whole Hellgate: London fiasco on a blog known as Eventually moved on to do my own thing in December 2008 at and started Caveat Emptor there. Wrote there for six months, gained some notoriety, and then left. Now I'm back.

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